"You look like Howie Day"

-that's how it started.

The one thing i've learned while trying to make it in this town, is the fact that people end up surprising you. I'm not going to lie or try to make it sound glorious, i'm just going to lay it on thick, because the truth is... it usually isn't for the better. Nobody is ever ready for a surprise. Not the kind that i'm talking about. The kind that tear you in two, and leave you restless and unsettled. Nobody is ever ready for that, and why should we be? We live our lives each day constantly juggling to keep things in balance, and the second we drop something (or "someone" drops us) our world suddenly changes to a foggy haze of gray.


I'm sure you could say that this is a learning experience. That we all should just pick our pieces back up, find our balance and then continue to move on...but what if for this one time we don't want to balance, but we want to actually feel the urgency of things slipping away? The worst part of life is having to say goodbyes with out even realizing it's time for you to leave. Leaving a place or a person with out any real closure. I think God makes moments like that on purpose to try and make it easier on us, so while whatever it is that's happening, we wont feel it as much. The time we seem to notice it is usually days, months, even years later, but never while it's actually happening. We can consider this a blessing and a curse, mainly because the worst feeling is waking up one day and realizing the people who surround you aren't the same faces you used to care for. That the people in your life are merely placeholders for the hope of someone better to still come.


The best way to deal with this kind of surprise is to realize that it's actually happened, let yourself feel whatever it is you may be feeling, and then move on. Lingering never helps, it only lets loneliness ride on your shoulders. Today it might be a surprise but tomorrow you will have known, so no more excuses. Live up to what ever it is, and in my case hope that one day you'll get another surprise from this same person, only this time for the better. Hope that one day while we're not expecting it, we'll play like Howie Day and Collide.



P.S. I don't think you look like him anymore.

let your soul be free

Dear Scott,

I guess we were friends because of your sister. If it weren't for her, we probably wouldn't of met considering the difference in our high school crowds. When i thought of you, i always thought about how "cool" you were. You had that artsy/mysterious style going for you. You would have fit in here. I could totally see you mixed in the LA scene walking down Melrose with some ray bans, going into the funky stores. It's crazy I've been living here for a year now. It feels like yesterday we were in summer school together chatting about our ideas of moving off the mountain and actually GOING PLACES. That's the one thing i always admired about you. Every time we had a conversation about goals and dreams and stuff, you always made me feel like i could actually do it! There was no reason to ever have to convince you. I know there were plenty of people who knew you way more than i did, and the majority of alone time i spent with you, was either sitting next to each other in school chairs, driving in a car, or sneaking up the road to Easy's...but i can honestly say that I'm so blessed to have met you and to of shared some time on this earth together. You made that hellish summer, actually bare able. I'm not going to lie, the days you weren't there, were pretty much miserable. Aside from the boiling heat in mid July, there was no one to make me laugh. You could clearly tell i was like the biggest outcast in the whole world! I guess that summer you were a sweet surprise walking through the door, i had finally found friend. I'll miss your familiar face and the way you smiled. I remember the day you got your braces off and seeing you in the hallway outside of my class! I think Molly told me you took them off yourself?! ha ha whatever, they still looked just fine to me! I'd always compliment you on your skin. The pills the Dr. gave you honestly worked so well Scott, i was intrigued. Honestly it's weird to even be talking about you in the past tense, like you just happened and are done or something, because you and i both know this is just another part of living, and I'm sure the view from Heaven beats the Hell out of mine here. I know you have and always will be, "Molly's older brother" but know that you were my friend. Thanks for always driving Molly and I around when we were younger, it's cooler than having our moms pick us up, (but I'm sure you knew that). Know that all of us here will watch over your beloved family. I know Victoria is going to high school with Teddy now!(i really hope they date and then eventually get married cause then Molly and I would be SISTERS!) And don't you worry about Molly, she's going to be great in College! I know she's going to love it, and I'm definitely going to fly out for some visits. All in all, watch over us down here, and know that you'll forever be in the hearts of many. As for THAT I'd like to think you're on a fabulous vacation in Europe or maybe sipping a cocktail by the beach...because i don't like saying goodbye, so instead, I'll see you later.

Rest In Peace

The Red Queen

There's a time to laugh and a time to cry. There's a time to be serious and a time to be silly. There's a time to be alone and a time to be surrounded by the ones you love. This last week, i was with them. My friends that lift the burden off my shoulders. I'm not talking about new people i've met from LA, no no. I'm talking about "old friends". The best kind. The kind that you don't need to explain things to, because they already understand. Those are the people that have seen every part of you. The girls that you've grown up with. I can't think of one childhood memory without having them in it. They are what make me miss home so much, because every time we hang out now days... i never want to say goodbye. I look at it as a blessing to be with them, but in the end it only makes it harder on me. After seeing them it just makes it more complicated to adjust.

I guess i should except the fact that things are different these days. I know the reason this last week was so fun, was because nothing was different but everything had changed! Does that make any sense? New should be good. We shouldn't want to stay in the same place very long. "I" of all people know this. I graduated a year early from High School because of it! I can't help but wonder though, how is it the very thing i fought so hard to get away from, is now the single thing i miss the most? I was afraid of that happening. Oh well. Take it as it comes, eh?

Moving here has become the full package deal. With alittle came alottle, and once you're here you can't go back. Even when i get the chance to go back home, it already feels different. It makes me sad. Time is what's constantly chasing us, but we'll never win. Just like the Red Queen said,"It takes all the running one can do, just to stay in the same place."

Tick, Tock, Wont Stop, but the World will PARTY ON



here's to the girls

The One I Miss

I can't deny that i find myself seeing people that remind me of the ones i miss. That when i meet someone for the first time, i search inside them to find the slightest part of you. The way they look, or the way they speak, sometimes i hear you instead. It's been harder than i thought to leave you behind, when everywhere i look i remember you. When i go home it feels empty when you're not down the street. It feels empty when i realize that things have changed. So instead of letting you go all at once, i hold on to little pieces. A piece of you here and there, inside of the next one. Its not good, i know. I should stop and accept the change, but i won't deny the one i miss. I can't deny it when it's you. The one person who i'll always search for. I was scared this would happen. I never trusted myself around you. I was right.

You have so much potential. There's something about you that is destined for greatness. So who cares that it's not dealt in your cards? Throw those fucking cards out the window, and do it anyhow. I wish you could see what i see when i look at you. I wish it so bad... because if you could see what i feel, you'd never doubt your circumstance. You are the epitome of strong. A picture perfect that someone could only dream to be. Now live it out. Be the person i know you can, and escape what society has set for you. It's the only way you'll be free.

As for me, i'll continue to look for you. I'll find your eyes glancing at me through someone else's face. I'll here your voice whispering to me through someone else's lips, i'll feel your arms around me when I'm holding on to the next, and i'll continue this... until you're mine.

Just like he said, "ever thine, ever mine, ever ours"

Mad Hope

Is this what mad is?
Mad about what happened?
Mad about what is happening?
Mad about what soon will happen?
Is this what mad is?

I never thought it would end up this way
Mad hope is what I’ve learned to crave
Early morning watch the sunrise
I see it in your eyes
Mad hope is too what you disguise

Hope for something better, that there still it lies
You can grab it, reach out and have it, if you put aside your pride
Should I say pride?
was that truly what pride was?
Is that truly what pride is?
Will that truly turn into pride?
Insecurity I would say

Scared for what has happened, happening, and what will come
Scarred from what you lost, which you worked so hard and won
Hurt from those who swept you to the side
Alone is all you’ve ever known in this life

You’ve embraced the only thing you know
The rise, the fall, acceptance of those you would call your own
what are these people?
Placeholders for those who truly care
Breathing machines that are taking up your air
Judgmental Priests that preach the word of God?
“Please, help me forgive all of my sins
I’m caught up in unholy acts dear Lord, grace me with where I should begin.”

You’d never catch them saying this
Stick their noses to the wind
The everlasting scent of what caught their trends
It lingers in the air, it’s everything they touch

Oh please show that mad hope you have within
We all know it exists, you just need to except the fact with pure bliss
A pure bliss which you once had, has turned to dirt
A very dirty subject, which if spoken would probably hurt
Something pure, white, fragile…you broke
The culmination that disappeared
Your greed which pleaded for me to fall on my knees
No no I will not fall, you should have known this, don’t you recall?
she led a moralistic life
with strength you could see despite of who was beside
all I ask is where was your respect?
Something special? Yes
Something memorable? Indeed
Something unknown? Not yet
Something that should be pushed? No
So if you truly had respect, why couldn’t you be happy?
Happy with what you once had?
Greed is the monster which destroyed you boy
It took everything that you have
You won’t have to worry though, you still have the placeholders
They still will be there…taking up your air
Breathing their low judgment

I thought you were stronger, wow what a shame
Everything that was spoken, was it true, or just a game?
Look who was truly being led on
Cruel intentions whispers in my ear like a song
I hear it’s melody when I see you now
It’s a bittersweet symphony far left from what I thought
It’s okay though, that’s what I tell myself
It’s what I’ve taught myself to believe
It works, you must try it…maybe it will drown out your greed

I have no sympathy, your loss was my gain
I will not cry, you’ll never see my pain
I pray that your insecurities won’t hinder you anymore
I pray that the placeholders will soon be put in their place
I pray that you aren’t blind when the replacements come
I pray that with every sunrise you see the mad hope too

No longer disguise who you are, or what you’ll become
Embrace the life from within yourself
Put that shame you feel onto everything else
Never feel restrained when it comes to what you feel
After all, feelings are the only realistic thing you have
Romanticism has been replaced with your realism but maybe you can be both?

There is much for us now
I can see it, I can taste it, it’s in the wind that blows the clouds
Like a cloud it’s drifting along
Something so far, but big enough to see
Make figures of what you think they could be
Cold and sunny is what it will feel
Scared for something new but excited for all that’s real
We all will escape this town and everything we know
Some excited, others not, but everyone passes through, it’s the journey that we’ve got
So we will take it with us, everywhere we end up
Something so final is destined in our luck
I’m excited, you could be too
You could have everything you ever wanted
Your desires are not far behind
I know where they are
Early morning I watch the sunrise
And there it is, I see it in your eyes
It’s the Mad hope tearing through that glistening color which changes in the light
Sometimes green, blue, hazel…let it shine, let it shine, let it shine