We Are All Searching For The Same Thing... so why isn't it easier to find?

All the greatest love stories seem to have some sort of tragic accident or beautiful letdown. In some way it seems as if greatness is measured by pain. Was there compassion? Without suffering, there is no compassion...right?

We can measure our lives by many different means, and we can either choose who to love, or let fate bring them for us. Sometimes i like to believe that God has already settled who i am made to be with. That the man I'm matched to is somewhere in this world just waiting for me. It's nice to think this way, comforting more so. None the less, i can't help but wonder whether this is true.

A couple months ago i came across a picture, and on the picture is said, "Someday someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else." Of course, i smiled right away when i read it! Maybe that's just me being young and naive, but i would be lying if i didn't say that there's a big part of my heart hoping that what the picture said, is true.

There has to be something to it! Why does everyone search their whole lives to find ONE person?! It doesn't even make sense to be with one person forever, considering all the different people you meet over one lifespan. How are you supposed to know, i mean actually KNOW, that "this guy" is THE ONE?! If people are so sure that you just feel it in your bones somehow, then why are divorce rates practically higher than marriage rates?

I just worry about my generation sometimes. We are so quick to mix SEX with LOVE, that soon enough we let our bodies trick us into saying yes, when it should be no. Simply put, i like answers. I like being in control, and things that i can't predict.... SCARE ME.

I'm worried

for loves sake

Plead To The Parents

Why You Should Grant Me The Opportunity to study abroad at the University of Oxford.

            Many people in this world dream about doing something, but never “really “ do it. We want things we will never obtain, and are minds become full of what we call, wishful thinking. My whole life I’ve become victim of this. I don’t know a lot (I may act like I do…but I don’t) the one thing I do know though, is that I’m good at dreaming. I dream and dream about things that usually don’t happen. I’m marvelous at creating stories that hopefully one day will be told. The problem is, most of my work, is all make believe. Once in a blue moon though, when God shines his light on me, I MAKE my dreams come true. You both have raised me to be strong and to never settle. That’s why I’m writing this to you. So to your dismay, you will have to endure it.

            There are multiple reasons I could blabber on about, but I will get straight to the point. Studying abroad for 3 months could be the greatest opportunity ever! Did you know it’s ranked as the number 1 university in all of UK? It even beats out its closest running competitor- Cambridge University. Not only is it the best, but the oldest surviving University in the English-speaking world. The date in which Oxford was found is still unclear, but can be researched back to the 11^th century! If that isn’t enough, this historic University, which offers 38 colleges to choose from, consistently ranks in the world’s top 10!

            Just being able to see such a place would be a blessing within itself, but being able to say I actually was educated there, would be a remarkable experience! Having this on my resume, and applications for transfer admissions, would help me tremendously. Not many people can say they have studied abroad at one of the greatest Universities in the WORLD!

            I know what is going through your heads about now. You think all this information I’m sharing with you is great… but not great enough to let your 17-year-old daughter go. My whole life you’ve held on to me so tight, I need to experience something like this to find myself. I need to be able to go and accomplish something great, for me. Not to make someone else happy, but to make myself happy.  I’d love to argue with you about my age, but I hate numbers, so I’ll save your time.  All I will say is that my age has never hindered me before, and it shouldn’t start to now. I chose to graduate 1 year early from High School, please do not hold it against me. I know how much it makes you nervous, but I can tell you to not worry. I never would make a decision that I didn’t think I could handle. I know I can handle this with grace and intelligence. Not only would I be honored if you granted me the opportunity to study abroad, but I would be free! A girl like me wasn’t meant to stay put. 

            There’s only 1 time in your life when you’d be able to pack your bags and flee to another country, the time is now… while I’m young, while I’m free to do so. If I let this pass me by, it will be a huge mistake. I don’t want to be married with kids, wishing I had done something like this. I want to be married with kids, telling them my wonderful stories, just like you do Mom.

I’m used to hearing the words, “I don’t think so, Nicole. No.” They are often the inevitable answer, which concludes most the ideas I create. The only difference is, this isn’t me storytelling, this is something real, very real! So please don’t say no, cause if you turn me down, I don’t think I could just walk away and think, “awe darn, well at least I tried, another time.” There is no other time, because the time is now. We can’t live our lives off assuming, that later on you can do something. We have no idea what God has in store for us, but this wouldn’t have fallen in front of me for no reason. I need this. Please say yes, and support me in my race for higher education. Attending one of the top 10 Universities in the world, is pretty much reaching as high as that latter will climb, mom! I know you’d be proud. So let me go, we both need this, I’ll be ok… because wherever God’s light shines, I’ll be there to follow.

Define Beauty in YOUR terms

Recently I've been on a race to find what it means to be BEAUTIFUL. I'm doing a presentation in my Sociology class about identifying beauty from a cross cultural perspective. Not only has this been an interesting topic to study, but also an eye opening experience. If you ask both men/women in America what they think is a beautiful person... a lot of people start blabbering about ideals. These idealistic characteristics or body traits which seem to pressure our society into thinking that, "blah blah blah" is beautiful. I've come to learn that this constant pressure to "BE" beautiful starts at a very young age. We all are victimized when it comes to being brainwashed within our own heads.

Ever since we hit the age of 3, us little girls adore our Barbies. We look up to them, try to match them, but most of all... want to be just like them! Not only do we want to look like Malibu Barbie, we want to live her too! Now whether we are 3 or 30, we still want to have her legs, or steal that million dollar smile. Along with looks, we wouldn't mind finding our own Ken somewhere in this world!... Unfortunately, things are much harder than the good days in the doll house. Our wishful thinking tends to let us down.

Over time, ideal body image has changed. For example, the marvelous Marilyn Monroe was a (US) size 12. This starlet would be considered "plus size", if she ever tried to break into the beauty biz of Hollywood now days. I think the main problem with all of this, is the fact that we bow down and accept it. By women trying to portray these 5'10'' long legged, big breasted Victoria Secret models, it gives men the opportunity to think that this (airbrushed) picture should be "his" reality. Giving in to this idea not only objectifies us as sex objects even more, but makes us as women, feel the need to be like that photo. By embracing it, we accept it, and that is the sad truth behind the beauty pressure upon us.

I may have a pretty face, but i don't fit into this ideal image. I'm 5'2'' not 5'10'', i would choose a steak over a salad, and rather sleep then burn off the calories. The truth is, no matter how hard anyone tries, NONE OF US will ever be "their" idea of Beautiful. I guess all I'm trying to say is... whether you're 8, 18, or 80 years old, define beauty in your "own" terms, not somebody else's. Know that you are beautiful both in a size 12 or a size 2, and never let the cosmetic, or dieting industries tell you anything different. After all... they are simply expert LIARS. (watch video below)

find the beauty in you

Real Beauty?

Here it comes...

Would you Change?

You don't get the time to change a persons life, the time changes you. 

Let Them Rest In Peace

I don't like looking at old pictures, they're just reminders of friends lost

Memories brought to life framed on a wall, is all we could have been

Time takes it's toll as we're paying for the cost

What happened to those people?

It seems so long ago, but don't be confused, it was just yesterday

As quick as a flip of the wrist waving your hand goodbye out the window

Who would have known?

As fast as a sunrise, something too will set

Let It Rest in Peace

Let Them Rest in Peace

Nine years goes so fast, I don't know that girl anymore

I often wonder where she went?

With her pigtails and backwards baseball caps

The simplicity that comes with being naive, I know We miss it

I know They do

They shined with the light from the Sun, but it's to late to head North, the storm has already come

So we close our blinds from the outside world

Let em flee, be free?

That's what They thought was freedom

Finding themselves in the midst of everyone else

The only thing They found was deceit, guiding further from Their true heartbeat

Pieces of Themselves Stolen

I don't like looking at old pictures

Set The Fire To The Third Bar

I keep telling myself that most things happen for a reason. I guess i find comfort in the idea that although tons of things seem to be going wrong, there must be some explanation behind it all, a simple safety net to fall back on. It's easier to think that way. Nobody likes to face the truth all the time. Mostly because it can be unruly and unkind, and it has the talent to break a person. With that being said, we stigmatize it and rather make an excuse to lie, instead of actually having to face what's coming our way. I suppose the thing that bothers me most, is the fact that EVERYBODY does it! We all fall guilty of making this crime, and "we" are each others victims. WAKE UP PEOPLE, don't you see it?! I know I'm not the only one who feels this way, because it makes absolutely no sense. 

Why is it so hard to just say what we truly feel? Why do we constantly have to justify why something did, or did not happen? Why can't we just let it be what it is, accept it for what it's worth, and then move on to the next thing? I'd love to say I have the answer to all of these questions, but then I'd be lying (cough* cough*). There definitely is a reason as to why these have remained such an enigma. I've heard people say that, "Some things aren't meant to be answered." 

The only way to feel free, is to simply say what you need to say. Don't have preconceived motives hiding behind important conversations. Only you and me can change it, and who knows... if we're lucky, it'll catch like wildfire!

The Sky was Crystal Blue...

It's crazy how things turn out. You meet a person and automatically whether you like it or not, within a few minutes, you've already made up your mind about them. We judge, we lie, we hurt. The only thing you wish could have happened, never does, and that's when the end is always disappointing. There was a study once, seeing what percentage of people would want to know the day of their death. 96% said no and only 4% said yes. The sad thing is, tomorrow is never promised, but we live as if it is. We act cruel and don't care about one another, because the sun will rise tomorrow the same way it did this morning. What we need to understand, is that when God brings someone into our lives, we need to cherish the time spent. Love every second while it lasts, and when it ends...look back with a smile in knowing that there was a reason for it. Maybe we may not know the reason now, but one day it'll come, and it'll wipe the hurt away. 

I'd like to say that I'm not hurt, that it doesn't matter, that what you've heard is true...but then I'd be lying to you. I am hurt, it does matter, and you can fabricate anything you'd like to make yourself feel better, but God will shine the truth for us all. 

This isn't how the story should end. It's not what i had planned, nor did you. When i saw you first, 1000 things crossed my mind, but all were amazing! Most people would change their minds now, but i wont. I know what you're feeling, although you say something different, something cruel. I know what you're thinking because i feel it too. I know what you truly want or wanted just a day ago, because i wanted that same thing. But i know that after the way you've treated me, some things will simply have to change. 

I can hear what you say. Say what you'd like about me, because all it is... is talk. I'll let it happen. While you're too proud to let it all come down, I'll just sit and wait. I'm used to that. 

If someone came and asked me about you, i still wouldn't say a bad thing. I would smile in knowing that before the storm, the sky was crystal blue, and we were there beneath it... together. That's how i remember you.

I wish you would do the same.

This is for you

I told you i'd write you one, so here it goes

hold my head high as my chest wants to fall

yet there's nobody here that's left to call

it's easier to just Stop.

Feeling like i have something more to shake

all the while, still nothing to take

say hello but say your goodbyes

it's all you really wanted, right?

The ones you like, are Not like me

maybe one day you'll see

from here to there, find the one that'll fill that space

the place i don't

i hope it's great, thats what i wish

maybe it's Fate or God?

maybe just life

walk in, take a good look, because the door is shutting behind you.

Don't go, I'm confused

you are too

don't be scared

things happen... they happen and then happen again

but i swore the last time was the last time

so I'm sorry but the present will pay the price for the past

Never forget what you really want

and always say what you want to say

two blank weeks can make things erase

so now both will be going at a different pace

i'll miss it

"It was just a song" that was the last thing i said.

A Cut Above The Rest

This morning i woke up, tired and excited to see if i made the cut. I stood next to 25 other hopeful finalist, each holding their breath trying to keep a smile. The crowd was filled with faces of the people i love the most. I tried to focus my attention on them so my anxiety would flee. I held one single Red Rose as I waited to hear my name... one after the next, time passed, and my name was never called. I simply smiled and walked off the stage, not because i wanted to, but because that was the right thing to do.  Many of us have this ongoing idea of what is "worth" waiting for. I guess somethings that we wait for, will simply never come. Knowing that, we all still take the risk, we wait anyhow, we dream anyhow, we hope anyhow... and ultimately i think that's what keeps us all going. This unexpected part of life that only God knows the true answer to. It's the waiting that makes whatever happen or NOT happen, truly worth while. During times like these, all i can do is give it to God. I know he has a plan for us all, so tonight i'll fall asleep, tired and excited to see what will happen next. 

I've been waiting for you

I've been waiting for you. There you are, i can see you now. You're still close but far. What's that in your eyes? Why do you seem distant? Take whatever is covering you, off. Let me see what's underneath. I'll show you mine, if you show me yours first. Here i am, just me, take it or leave it. I won't be hurt. Never worry, because i've been waiting for this. Tick tock, the time slowly catches your heart.

I Carry Your Heart With Me

My favorite poem... EVER.

I Carry Your Heart With Me

ee. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Come Away With Me

your face is in the sunset now 

painted orange and gold

the wind is blowing you backwards as my story slowly unfolds

wish me luck my dear because i feel I'm running far

i'll wish you luck my dear to find out who you are

Be Anything but Ordinary

Words to live by.

be anything but ordinary 

My Pink Brick Road

College kids are a bit like these characters, as silly as that may seem.  We are in search to find something else, but each one of us are different. Some may be wanting intelligence, others in search for love, almost all of us missing home, and everybody striving for courage! 

Why does moving on make people so crazy? College, i think is a part of the pursuit to find oneself. I walk around campus and stare into the faces of unsettled souls. Everyone is in search of finding someone or something else (a thing greater than themselves). I too am a victim of this feeling, which brings discontent. I guess wanting something more isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it sure does make you re-evaluate why you're doing what you're doing. 

If you leave college the same person as you were when you started... something went wrong in the journey to find YOU. Flora Whittemore once said, "The doors we open and close each day decide the life we live." All of us are feeling out the right path to take, and hoping that the door we're knocking on, will bring us contentment. No one can ever guess what's behind that door, or even if it's the right door to be at, but cheese n' rice can't we TRY?! Nobody ever said that finding our way in this world is easy. If it were easy, there wouldn't be that great feeling of accomplishment at the end. After all, not everyone has a yellow brick road guiding them, but that also doesn't mean we can't lay the bricks ourselves! (i personally would have chose pink... but that's just me) 

Goodnight to all you scarecrows, tin men, dorothys, and lions. I hope you find what you're looking for.

Homeward Bound

There is a sense of security in knowing that you can always go home. After all, home is the only place that will always be ready and waiting for you. I'd have to say the best part about going home, is not necessarily the house, but the ones who are inside it! What makes a house a home... are the people waiting for you. The arms you fall into with a warm embrace, after time has kept you too long. That is when you truly feel home at heart. 

I'm up late tonight because I'm excited! Tomorrow my little red car will guide me to the place i call my own, the only place that is filled with people i love and adore with all my heart. Homeward bound i am, (Why?) because i hear it calling for me. Home sweet home, send me on my way! 

Goodnight, don't let the bed bugs bite...

P.S. Can't wait to see you mom.

1st Time Everything

If you're wondering... Yes, i survived my first day of college! (yay me) I must confess, it was different than what i thought it would be. Aside from searching an hour for parking, getting completely lost(in result =having to walk 5 miles in over 100 degree heat),  and not having all my books, I THINK it went really well! =] My classes seem very interesting, much better than high school. Surprisingly, i have the urge to want to learn about this stuff! I hated high school so much, i lost that feeling to want to learn, but it's refreshing to have it back. I loved the library, although that may sound funny. The smell of all those books, every student in there studying/reading/learning about something...i dunno, but it definitely got me in the mood to obtain higher education! 

Although i have no friends yet, and walk around by myself.(yea, bring out the violins haha) I've gotten used to the feeling of being alone. I find peace within my own company these days, and i guess that could be a really good thing? I know in the midst of that place I'm bound to find somewhere i fit in, but as for now, I'll just hit the books!

P.S. Thanks to the random guy who was nice enough to open the door for me.

Dear Mom

To all the moms that are missing their kids, that just went off to college:

DON'T WORRY, they're missing you even more! The greatest thing happened to me today. My mom, who i haven't seen, in what feels like forever... surprised me! I heard a knock at the door, and there she was, perfect in her way. I was so taken back to see her, that all i could do was cry. (happy tears of course) It goes to show that no matter where you are, having your mom there, makes it that much better. We had a lovely mother-daughter day that ended too fast =[ so now all that's left to do is wait till the next time i get to see her. 

Tomorrow is my first day of College. I'm excited but nervous to start. This next chapter of my life could get messy...it could be fantastic...it could turn horrible....or it could simply be, the greatest years on my life! 

Time for me to go. To my mom who i know is reading this somewhere, Thank You.

Dance the Night Away!

Why does dancing make people so happy? 

There is a bit of insanity in dancing that does everybody a great deal of good.  ~Edwin Denby

Very true statement! I just had a wonderful night full of fun, and that's all that is left to say. Considering it's 2:00 am. I'm going to catch some sleep. One thing I know, i'll be smiling in my dreams. =]

Kisheere paree 

So Long Sweet Summer

Welcome day was a success, or as good as it could be i guess. I was lost more than half the time i was there, so hopefully come monday, i'll be able to get a hold of a map! I'm anxious and excited all at one time to start. (Isn't that weird people can feel multiple emotions at once?) I still have to get the rest of my books, parking pass, and student ID... sigh* Hopefully the lines won't be too outrageous monday. 

Well I'm sick of talking about school. The more i think of sitting in class, the more i begin to miss summer. There's something special about summer, because it's the only time when everyone can feel free and at ease to do absolutley NOTHING! Most of my favorite memories, always fell in the months of summer. I'm sure being a leo helps that a lot, but i know most people would agree that sweet summers, bring sweet times. 

Parts of Summer i'll miss the most:

-Flip Flops              -popscicles

-Swimming            - beach trips

-Tanning                 -running through the sprinklers 

-Summer nights   -sleeping in till 1 in the afternoon

-Star gazing            -laying on the hammock 

So long sweet Summer,

see you next year (i'll be waiting)

Welcome what to Expect

So0o0o0o0o (to the one person that i know will read this... of course i'm gunna come visit you! We can go through this whole thing together. It'll be nice to have someone who actually understands. So yea, read on, below is my next blog.)

Tomorrow is,"Welcome Day" at college. COLLEGE wow, weird i'm even saying that! (i feel so old haha) I hope i actually feel welcomed as silly as that sounds, because i have high hopes for this upcoming chapter in my life... MUCH higher than high school, so hopefully i don't turn out completely disappointed. 

I can't help but wonder how everyone is feeling right now. There's millions of freshmen getting ready to leave home and start the next big part of their lives, and whether it be near or far, i know everybody is a bit scared shitless. How could you not be?! The first time on your own, which means not having your parents down the hall from you! No more hearing your mom say, "You're only in high school...blah blah blah" or your dad in his protective tone of voice,"You better put a sweater on, or maybe just change your shirt." As much as i hated that then, i can honestly say i already miss it, and i haven't even been gone THAT long!!!!

It's crazy how distance intensifies Love. You never realize what you have until it's gone. (as cliche' as that might sound, it's true.) I know from here on out, things will never be quite the same. Just the thought of having to plan trips to go home weirds me out, but i guess it's all part of the process. Missing home, missing friends, missing my mom. It goes by  too fast, but hey, nobody ever said growing up was gunna be easy! 

I'm off to dreamland. Wish me luck for welcome day!

Perspective

i'm chewing gum thats lost it's taste

and most things aren't the same these days

i guess you could call it a falling from grace

but i'm sure to see it from a different pace

Goodnight World

After a long days work, (well i shouldn't exaggerate, it IS summer) i think i'm gunna try to find some peace of mind. When i say peace of mind, i don't mean that literally, but in terms of rest. Sweet sleep is what suits me. Did you know that  we spend about 8 hours/day, 56 hours/week, 240 hours/month and 2,920 hours/year in dreamland? Yes, we spend more than one third of our life asleep! (that of course can be adjusted to whether you're like me, and like to sleep more than most) It's sort of crazy that so much of our time is spent doing nothing at all. I guess that's wrong of me to call sleep "nothing," because it is most definitely something. If it weren't for those sacred 8 hours of rest, we'd all be walking around in a zombie state... and nobody would want that. Right? Not only does sleep replenish our bodies, minds, and souls, but it gives us the strength to grow. It's the only time in our lives when we can actually escape reality, set aside the norm, and dream free! I love when i wake up and can actually remember my dream as if it were real. I know there's a technical sleep pattern which describes the reason as to why we can and cannot remember specific dreams, but i just like to think of it this way. If it was worth remembering, then somehow i just will. Simple i know, but sometimes when you learn about the truth behind something as magical and mysterious as dreams, it sorta ruins the fun!

With that being said

goodnight moon

goodnight cow jumping over the moon

goodnight light and the red balloon 

goodnight bears goodnight chairs

goodnight kittens and goodnight mittens

goodnight clocks and goodnight socks

goodnight little house and goodnight mouse

goodnight comb and goodnight brush

goodnight nobody goodnight mush

and goodnight to the old lady whispering hush

goodnight stars 

goodnight air

goodnight noises everywhere

Wherever the Road may lead...

Many people say that starting over can be the best thing for you. Leaving what you know and embracing something completely different is good right? At least that's what I've been trying to tell myself. Moving from a small little town to the big city of Los Angeles, definitely changed my perspective on things. A couple months ago i couldn't wait to pack my bags, but here i am... and it's not THAT great. I shouldn't put it down though., everything has gone as planned. Maybe that's why I'm surprised at my own outcome. A tiny part of me thought moving away to college would bring me something more! I'm starting to wonder if that was too much to wish for? (hopefully not)

Everybody here seems a bit too caught up. Big sunglasses, fake tans and designer bags are all that these materialistic fobs care about. Forgive me if you're one of them...but WAKE UP! There's way more important things in this world...i mean please, Prada will still be there when you come back from doing things that actually matter. Don't think it's only the women, the guys are just as bad! I don't see how they think that's even remotely attractive. Anywho, back to what i was saying about starting over. I think the key to success in city like this, is to stay humble, don't let this place ruin me, and keep grounded. Otherwise i might turn into another painted face in the crowd...and that would just be horrid. For now i wait to see, wherever the road may lead me.